At times I feel as if I dont know what I want

I wrote this passage back in:

May 18, 2009

Sucks knowing you’re gone. Just wish you can see me. Why am I invisible to the only person I want to be seen by? I guess Im just not the one.. But I promise if you need anyone, I’ll be there to catch you when you fall, to hold you in my arms and lend you my shoulder to cry on. And if what I want doesnt ever work out, I hope we can still stay good friends. and I promise to never make it awkward. Ill be there to listen. When you ramble, when you joke, when you dont know what to say. I’ll finish your sentence, I’ll make you smile. Just look at me..please..Why do you make it so damn hard to let you go? i thought we were best friends….

December 28, 2010

I read this and I asked myself, ‘why am i the one always getting hurt?’  Its weird cause, I feel the same way now as i did back in 7th grade. I hate knowing that I can never find the happiness I want. At times, I would blame GOD for this. For letting me feel unhappy all the time. For letting me cry and not letting a miracle happen. But I came to realize that I cant blame anyone for my mistakes. I can only blame myself. Now that Im older, Im careful when it comes to love. But not careful enough. I let myself do the things I promised I’ll never do again. Yet I make the same mistakes over and over and over again. Im thankful. Thankful for the friends I have around me. Thankful that I have people to turn to. But I cant bring myself to do so. I keep it all in, and it builds up. Trapped inside a box. With the walls closing in. With nowhere to go. And then when its filled to the top and you cant close the lid. It all comes out. And Im a mess..