It is currently 5:47 A.M. Pulling an all nighter cause Im not sleepy at all. This morning I was supposed to go celebrate a friends birthday. I promised I wouldnt miss it for anything and ...yea I had to miss it. Sometimes, parents can be so unreasonable. So I stayed home watching reruns of 'The Biggest Loser Season 10' Yes I watch that show dont hate.

Going out later tonight to chill ;) Maybe shopping and then 'Tron!' Was planning on going Ice Skating with everyone else, but lots of band people cancelled. So guess not.
Nothing much happened today, cept it was a beautiful sunny day. Missed out. Hopefully itll be the same today.

My mom has this gigantic wedding job coming up on Saturday, and I was in charge of stringing 100 and plus bags of beads to use on Saturday, But sadly, I only got like not even 10 done.... Dang it

At times I feel as if I dont know what I want

I wrote this passage back in:

May 18, 2009

Sucks knowing you’re gone. Just wish you can see me. Why am I invisible to the only person I want to be seen by? I guess Im just not the one.. But I promise if you need anyone, I’ll be there to catch you when you fall, to hold you in my arms and lend you my shoulder to cry on. And if what I want doesnt ever work out, I hope we can still stay good friends. and I promise to never make it awkward. Ill be there to listen. When you ramble, when you joke, when you dont know what to say. I’ll finish your sentence, I’ll make you smile. Just look at me..please..Why do you make it so damn hard to let you go? i thought we were best friends….

December 28, 2010

I read this and I asked myself, ‘why am i the one always getting hurt?’  Its weird cause, I feel the same way now as i did back in 7th grade. I hate knowing that I can never find the happiness I want. At times, I would blame GOD for this. For letting me feel unhappy all the time. For letting me cry and not letting a miracle happen. But I came to realize that I cant blame anyone for my mistakes. I can only blame myself. Now that Im older, Im careful when it comes to love. But not careful enough. I let myself do the things I promised I’ll never do again. Yet I make the same mistakes over and over and over again. Im thankful. Thankful for the friends I have around me. Thankful that I have people to turn to. But I cant bring myself to do so. I keep it all in, and it builds up. Trapped inside a box. With the walls closing in. With nowhere to go. And then when its filled to the top and you cant close the lid. It all comes out. And Im a mess..

Im losing the ones I care the most for..

Feels as if Im growing distant from them. Letting others take and claim them as their own. I shouldve kept in touch, but I didnt. Now its back to bite me in the buttocks. Karma is a bitch. And Im now living with the feeling of regret. One of the worst punishments one could ever ask for. So to cure that feeling. Instead of doing drugs or complaining, Im gonna start doing something about it. But first, Im gonna write about it. Maybe if its good enough, I'll add a tune to it. And if its even better. Im gonna finish it for once. Not halfway like I always do, but finish what I started. And maybe, just maybe, I'll feel a bit  better about myself. Letting things out is what works best for me. 

Cold

Its currently 12:35 A.M. Just got home from work with parents. So tired! But its all good :). 

bye!

Cough Cough

Christmas is a day where families get together and share what is important with each other. Im grateful for what I have. I know I complain a lot, but when I do, I think about the people who have had it worse or who ARE having it worser than me. I love you mom and dad !


I had time to think about what has happend in the course of 5 months. Times flying by so fast, I still remember walking across stage, seconds away from receieving my diploma to graduate 8th grade. Im not gonna lie, It doesnt feel like Im 15. Sometimes, I wish I was older. More mature, more sophisticated. Im not ready to take on full responsibility for my actions. Not yet.  


After having a nice chat with a close friend today, I brought myself to think about my friends. Whos worth keeping, and who I know will be friends with me for a long long time. I dont know that answer yet. I just want people to get to know me for me. Not for how I look but for how I act, how I think.
Briana and Vivian came over today and I showed them around Westlake. haha got home and ate. Then rented movies and got chills sent down my spines watching 'The Stepfather' Its currently 2:58 A.M. right now, and Im not tired at all. 

For the first time, I sang a couple of my original songs to Bri and Vivian. They seemed a bit surprised.. Dont know what that meant, but I think they enjoyed it since they kepy wanting me to sing this one song over and over again.

Everytime I write, I never finish what I started. I dont know if its cause Im afraid of continuing, or If im just lazy. When I write, I write about how I feel, things Ive been through. And occasionally, random things like cherry chap stick, or orange peels. Those probably dont even count. But I kinda like it that way. It makes what I write a bit different from others. A song unfinished isnt at all bad. It might have a good effect to it too. Until I write a FULL finished song, I'll let you know :). But until then, im keeping it  short and simple. 

Merry Christmas everyone :) Have a good one.

Carmen

Guilt

Is such a big word. Sometimes I dont even think I can handle it. Regret is another. There are things that I wish never happend. Lots of things. Those two words, Guilt, and Regret are common in my life. Guilt always comes after regret. Regret for me, usually comes after guilt. Its something I wish i knew how to control. But I dont know how. So all I can do is learn from them. Learn to not make those mistakes again, and move on. But its hard...

Chilled

with my San Francisco Buds! I went to Calvin Louie's house and there I see Jimmy Kuang and Adam Vu. The three of them are hella gaming Combat Arms. Joanne and Alex had each other for company so i was pretty bored til we all went to the 98 cents store to get a new pump for the basketball. Yes being asian shopping for cheap stuff is what we do :P.

Then we went to North Beach and Briana, Donny, and his brother came out and everyone else went to play athletic crap. While me, bri, and jimmy camera whored the whole time. haha got some pretty nice pictures out though.

Left, got home I found eggnog in the fridge. Yum! Decorated the fake christmas tree we have at home.

I was walking home when I got out of the bart station, and this guy stopped me and asked for some change. I walked away but then something came over me that made me turn around and walk back to him. I asked him what his name was, and he said Ryan. So i gave him 10 bucks. He smiled and said 'God Bless You'. I walked away with a smile on my face knowing that I did something nice to someone. Its the best feeling ever.

Cant wait til tomorrow :).

So Eric Argamaso told me...

haha just kidding.

So i am currently chatting with Eric..hes boring as hell dude. JUST KiDDING <3 Today was alright. I was being a fat ass the whole day. After grocery shopping with my grammy, i went home and just sat in my room reading.

Then I walked back to ranch to get junk food and passed Galen's house, too lazy to go say hello though... I walked home holding 2 bags of junk and man it was heavy. I was wearing my PJ's too...not a good idea. i was freezing.

Mary J. Blige for the win guys. I wish the 'Virgin' store downtown in SF was opened again. That's where I used to get all my music from and chill. But ugh hate that its gone and replaced with some furniture store.. I guess thats what my itunes is for eh?

Found a can of soda behind my computer..i wonder how long it was there. My room's a mess again. I should clean it before Friday.

Gonna keep this blog short today. Im too cold to continue on. Peace.

I had no internet until now

This morning, I was bored. Like always. haha So i turned on my Mac and freaking no internet connection. And I got even more mad knowing that we dont have T.V. anymore so that sucked. I was stuck watching some kid show with my brother.. Not that I liked it.

My teeth hurt for hours..stupid retainer. People, never stop wearing your retainers for 3 months and then expect it to not hurt when you start wearing it again 3 months later. I swear it hurt in my dream too..

Besides being bored as heck today, I decided to see if I could climb out my window. Just out of curiosity. I got stuck outside. Like i couldnt jump back up because well, for those of you who know me, Im not really a jumper.. So I called my parents hoping someone would pick up but then I remembered that my phone didnt work.. and what sucked even more was that my family didnt have txting either.. I walked around the house trying to get in without keys but Im not that great at picking the lock. (and yes for some odd reason, I found a paperclip in my pocket..dont ask) Then I freaked out even more knowing that my 6 yr old brother was inside. He wouldnt open the door for me cause I ate his breakfast... not my fault.

So i went to the backyard (the gates always opened) and i just sat there on the floor and counted ants for who knows how long. Apparently ants like leaves. and Peter (the white dude that lives downstairs) came out and let me in. So we were jamming for a bit, :) and then he let me in through this one door that was connected to our upper house level.

And yeaa, long story short. well not really a story. Ugh whatever. Then when my parents came home, I was sitting in my room making bracelets out of string. wait, string duh, what else?.. and my neck hurt.

Some wedding client came over to discuss matters with my parents, I guess Im handling the music for next weeks job? hopefully! usually its me. OH and I also made a mini house out of toothpaste and lead. Pencil lead. 0.7 mm lead. MHM turned out pretty good I must say. now im gonna figure out how to make voodoo dolls.

blah blah bye

What to do?

To be honest, winterbreak is going by so quickly and its only been what? 2 days? I've been helping my mom out with house cleaning to get ready for Friday- Christmas Eve party at home :) Vivian Cai and Briana Zhen are coming over that day to chill. I havent seen Briana since that one time after graduation so I miss her like crazy. 

Been picking my guitar back up and writing again on it. Its been awhile since I last written back in May? June? Dont remember.

I was pretty damn bored today, so I decided to take out all my previous journals and read them. My handwriting is horrible so I started typing each and every page out on the computer starting from 6th grade. Some of the stuff I totally forgot even happend. And it brought back a lot of memories. I even teared up on some parts knowing that so much has changed in such a short period of time. 

My birthday was just last week! I had an alright day i guess, but hey, better than nothing. Got a lot of presents though, and I love presents so Im not gonna complain. :) 

Thinking back again to 5 months ago, I didnt expect myself to be going to school in such a different environment. I never would have thought of me NOT going to school in San Francisco. I guess you can say I left my heart there. Westmoor HS is getting better and better. Im happy but at times I get a bit down. All the wonderful people I met here in Daly City really helped me build confidence to keep a smile on my face everyday. I tell myself that its all gonna be worth it in the end and that my decision was made for a reason. Though I still dont quite know what that reason is, I keep moving forward. Im only a teenager, haha cant really do much can i?